All our excitement has just disappeared
I have been struggling to set this blog up so that today I could start a journey of documenting all that happens over our pregnancy. The aim was to look at everything from the male perspective, make some friends and hopefully help a few others on the same journey.
With our first scan booked for today I had imagined a day full of excitement and laughter with me sitting there working out how to add the picture of the little baby and type the words of such a joyous occasion.
However things really didn’t go to plan. We had an appointment at 10am at Ipswich hospital. We excitedly arrived at 9.30 in the hope of being seen earlier.
My girlfriend as instructed drunk a bucket of water and was pacing up and down for an hour trying not to pee herself.
Then we were called in. We looked at each other with relief and excitement, mainly relief that she hadn’t wet herself in front of everyone and excitement of seeing our baby for the first time.
She was made comfortable, gelled up and the lights were dimmed. We held hands and watched the screen for the first glimpse of our future child. It’s hard to explain what happened next, although I didn’t know what I was looking at, I could instinctively tell something was wrong. There was a black hole which we were told was the sack but nothing inside. The atmosphere in the room quietened and we were told another method would be used with a probe.
Unfortunately this also showed nothing. Measurements of the sack were taken and we again found ourselves in the waiting room.
After what seemed an age we were told we need to return tomorrow for a blood test. Depending on the results we may need another scan next week to see if there is any change.
As my partner has never had regular periods, It could mean we have our dates wrong and are shorter in the process than actually thought. This would mean the baby may be too small to be seen.
Our gut feeling is they are being nice to us and need us to come back so they can help with what is ultimately a devastating loss. We keep everything crossed that we are wrong and the next time we go we will see a lovely little camera shy baby thriving and waving frantically shouting ‘Tricked you’
But I very much doubt it. I think for now at least our dream is over almost as quickly as it begun.
I don’t know what to do and feel. It’s truly an awful experience. I’m not sure if I’ll continue to write now. I’ll give it a few days and see how I feel.
My main priority right now is supporting my girlfriend. It’s hard to know exactly how she must be feeling right now. Us men may get down and upset but we will never know what it feels like to have another life grow inside us. It must be so scary but yet so awesome at the same time.
I feel for her I really do. At the moment she doesn’t know how to feel. Part is hopeful that the baby is still alive and part is unsure what happens next if she has had a miscarriage.
So for us we need to work out where we go from here. Hope for the best and prepare for the worst.
And for this blog, well this may be my first and last post. I’m not sure at the moment. Writing helped a bit. Writing gives clarity to make me think. Putting words on paper gives ideas and creates a space in my mind for others. I know just by writing this that I need to learn more about the feelings of my girlfriend and find ways to comfort her and support her.
I know that its Ok for me to hurt but I need to raise my game and lift my girlfriend up somehow.
I can get over the sadness if we have lost the baby but I would find it almost impossible get over the sadness if I lost her. I need to find a way to make her feel special again.
The positive I taken is, my girlfriend and I still have a bright future, we have lots to look forward to. If this baby isn’t meant to be then hopefully we will be lucky next time.
When we found out we were pregnant we both stopped drinking and got fitter. I will keep up with this healthier lifestyle and be thankful that even though it doesn’t look like it’s going to end how I envisaged this time around. The last few months have made me fitter and healthier to enjoy life more and have the energy to work on making everything a whole lot better for the next time.
If anyone has gone through something similar I would love to hear how you coped and if there was indeed better news on a second scan?
Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment. I opened a twitter account and have started…